Out of the mouth of babes...

  Quite possibly in life you've heard someone talk about their "wake up" moment. A moment where something figuratively knocks you upside the head and causes you to realize what you are, or not doing. A couple of days ago, i had mine. it hit me so hard that i haven't been able to shake it. The moment has crossed my mind at least once the last couple of days. I'll tell the story in a moment, but first I'll give a little background about what has been going on.

  I have been back slidden since around November of last year. I've only been to church once or twice since then. I don't pray, i don't read my Bible, my children have heard me say and have seen me do things that I swore as a young man I would never let my children experience because I knew what it felt like as a child. To be quite frank about it, I'm ashamed of myself for this, but anyhow on to my " wake up" moment.

  Me and my family were sitting in the den watching a movie. During the entire movie, my kids ( being kids) continually bombarded me with questions. Finally after losing my patience I jokingly said, " Lord, take me now". My son, Alex, broke into tears and cried, " Daddy, don't say that!"

  It really messed me up on the inside. Why? Because i know he wasn't just saying that due to the thought of losing his dad. He knows that my soul would be in danger of spending an eternity in hell. I've known that  for a while, but now I SEE it, because of my child.

  It's time to change my life, I've got to. Not just for my own soul, but for theirs.

                                                                                     Thank you for your prayers,
                                                                                                                  Josh

"Everything is Good"

It's been a good while since I've written something here, and I find myself in a entirely different place in my life than when I wrote here in the past.

I'm lost, don't know I wound up here or how to get back, I only know that I can't stand the shape I'm in.

I have everything I've ever wanted, a wife and kids that adore me, a job that I love, a nice house, and relatively good health. Everything that nearly every blue collar man in America could ask for, but I'm still not happy.

I feel like a prisoner in my own skin. I'm not the husband or father that my family deserves and needs and I'm ashamed of that fact.

I've been putting up a front to everyone that cares for me, just telling them "everything is good" when they ask how I'm doing. Everything is not ok, I'm miserable.

I don't sleep well no matter what time I go to bed and I know it's because my soul is tired, I've been feeding it worthless junk for so long now that it is slowing dying because of the unhealthy things I've been feeding it.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to make anyone feel sorry for me. That is not my intentions. If this post reaches you, know that I love you and consider you one of my people. I don't let a lot of folks inside of my walls. If you read this please pray for me, I'm tired and I don't know to find the rest I need.

                                             Love you all,
                                                                Josh